Hueco Mundo Madness
by Ms.GrinAndCry
Summary: As perhaps a few of you might have noticed, they took down HMM a few days ago...but I will not loose! My minions, gather. For I have returned! - Random episodes of life in the Bleach. MAINLY Focused in the Espadas, this story is sure to throw u off XD - ENJOY.
1. Chapter 1

Hueco Mundo Madness

Chapter 1: Creativity Proposal.

Aizen gritted his teeth.

"Gin…" He growled.

Gin turned around, a wide grin plastered across his face.

"Yes, Aizen-taichou?" He said.

Aizen inhaled deeply, leveling his voice, but failing to disguise his fury. "_**What**_ are you wearing…?"

Gin grinned. "A suuuit….?"

Aizen gulped, and inhaled sharply, "Yes, I see that. Perhaps I asked the wrong question. What I meant to ask was…WHY ARE YOU WEARIN SUCH A RIDICULOUS OUTFIT?"

His voice echoed throughout Hueco Mundo.

Gin, on the other hand, giggled. "Aww, come on, ya should know why!"

Aizen's eye twitched. "Gin….!"

"Tch, fine," Gin shrugged, "Since the walls of Las Noches are such a dreary white, I decided to add some color, a lil' _**caliente, **_to the environment. Ya know?"

Aizen sighed. "And you add a '_**caliente' **_by wearing a tight, purple cat-suit with whiskers?"

Gin grin. "Yah."

Aizen face-palmed.

Gin's smiled darkened somewhat as he said, "Just think about it, taichou. All the ratings we'll get! We'll beat the Soul Society fer sure!"

Aizen stared at him, "Ratings? What ratings?"

Gin smiled, "Ohh, never mind…"

Gin grinned, and swayed his tail. He skipped towards the huge wooden door, and called out as he left.

"Think about it."


	2. Chapter 2

Please review! You guys are welcome to ask anything and give advice

Chapter 2: Meeting

"Fuckin' Gaylord…" Grimmjow muttered.

"Skips around like a friggen elf, doesn't bother to come to the meetings, and _now _dresses up as a friggen cat. Was he trying to piss me off, or what?"

Grimmjow shoved his hands into his pockets, and kept on walking and muttering about Gin.

_I swear, _he thought, _one of this days I'm gonna shove that pretty zanpaku-to of his up his ass._

He walked around the hallway, and finally stopped outside his room. On the door, a yellow sticky-note signed by Gin and Kaname read: Meeting today at the time of the Hollow Calling, don't be late or you'll clean up the restrooms.

Grimmjow deadpanned.

He tore off the page and crumbled it up. He then proceeded to enter his room.

The white walls glared at him, and he growled.

No colors, not anywhere in Las Noches.

The place was cold, and even though the Arrancars can't feel it, their bodies react to its' environment just like anything else. The cold made their fingers clammy and numb, and sometimes, without them realizing it, they would shiver impulsively.

Grimmjow closed his eyes, and sighed. He crashed into the gray sofa near the window, and relaxed his tense muscles.

Slowly, and unconsciously, his own rhythmic breathing lulled him into a deep slumber.

He dreamt of nothing but sand.

The rough touch of the small clusters brushing against his skin would leave small scratches across his cheeks.

"Grimmjow."

Grimmjow's eyes snapped opened, and he looked at the dark-skinned man standing far from him.

"Hn?" Grimmjow mumbled.

Kaname said, "Grimmjow, the meeting starts in a few minutes. Hurry, Aizen-sama wishes to speak with you."

Grimmjow could care less, but he got up anyways. He brushed past the ex-shinigami, and exited his room.

Just as he stepped out, a tiny speck of sand brushed his cheek.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Kick-off!

"Ladies and gentlemen, please be so kind as to take a seat." Aizen motioned towards the chairs spread around the rectangular table.

Kaname, as usual, was at Aizen's right side, and where the shinigami on the left so often missed the meeting, his now grinning face occupied the space.

The Espada did as instructed, and sat.

Aizen smiled at them, a smile that always seemed to scare the shit out off them.

"Dear children, I have a very…_unique…_announcement to make." He cleared his throat, and proceeded. "It has come to my attention that some of you, and I will mention any names, are displeased by the embellishment of our palace."

Various Espada shifted nervously on their seats.

"Well," Aizen said, "you are not to worry. Gin," he motioned towards his left, "was thoughtful enough to suggest a solution."

Blank stares were aimed at him, along with a few incredulous glances.

The brunette smiled, and said rather brusquely, "We will…allow…decorations and the like in our home," his brow furrowed, "in your rooms, of course."

He hesitated before going on, "And we will have a different theme every week."

Harribel stared, and spoke quietly, "Aizen-sama, what ever do you mean by themes?"

Aizen spoke, "As if in-!"

The coaxing voice of his fellow shinigami interrupted, "Like Alice in Wonderland, Dracula, Romeo and Juliet, Arabian nights, etc etc."

"OH?" Nnoitra stood up, smacking his fist against the table, "I'll be Romeo!" He smirked and said, "And Harribel can be Juliet."

Harribel fixed a glare at him, and stood up abruptly, "Like hell you will! _**I'll **_be Romeo, and _**you'll **_be Juliet!"

They glowered at each other, the rest of the Espada and the Shinigami staring at them in an awkward silence.

Gin said "Ma, ma, no need to fight! We already got our cast anywaaaays."

Everyone, but Aizen and Kaname, stared at him.

Grin grinned, and squealed, "Romeo will be Ulqui-chan!" A few amused and barely contained _pffts _were heard among the group.

Grimmjow, Nnoitra, and Yammy snickered.

"And our Juliet will be-!" Gin was cut off by his sudden shrill shout as he fell backwards on his chair.

Ulquiorra's leg untwisted from the right leg of the chair, and silently retreated.

The room was filled with laughter, which was all directed at Gin.

Gin smiled, a sly, venomous smile, and hissed through gritted teeth, "Whoever laughed gets to be Juliet's nurse, Rosaline, Lady Capulet, Lady Montague, and a servant."

The laughter stopped, the occasional giggle and snort appearing it's way into Gin's ears.

"Tsk, whatever," Gin muttered.

Aizen sighed, and massaged his temples, "Children, you are dismissed."

The Espada stood up, and vowed.

As they exited the room, a snarky remark by a voice resembling Nnoitra's, mumbled, "Later, sorry excuse for a Shinigami."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Who is Juliet?

Chaos.

Absolutely no sense of time or place, of right or wrong.

Or so, Ulquiorra thought rather annoyed.

"A_hhhhhhhhhhh! ROMEO! Where doth my Romeo be?"_

Ulquiorra's eyes threatened to twitch as the long-haired, spoon-hooded freak passed him.

"Nnoitra." He said.

Nnoitra grinned, "Doth thee not like the prospect of such virtuous character in o'oer play? Tut, you must be rather excited, _Romeo!"_

Nnoitra snickered, and Ulquiorra glared at him.

"Who will play Juliet, scum? Better get this over with." Ulquiorra replied.

Nnoitra shrugged, and walked away.

He sighed, and ran his hand along his hair.

He scanned the halls, and saw nothing but white.

"Ohhhhh, Ulqui-chaaaan!"

Ulquiorra froze.

"That voice…" Ulquiorra glanced behind his shoulder, and stared horrified at the cross-dressing man.

Gin wore a silky, scarlet dress embroided with flower patterns, a pair of red heels, and a copper tiara.

Ulquiorra, besides being the composed gentlemen he worked so hard to be, was gagging publicly at the sight before him.

"I-i-ichimaru…!" He growled.

Gin grinned creepily, and fluttered his eyelashes, "Aw, my Romeo, I thought you would like this dress!"

And so, been traumatized for his upcoming (and seemingly never-ending years) Ulquiorra ran.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Sad thoughts, Endless dreams, and Adios…

Grimmjow hid inside the restroom.

The tub was filled with sand and tiny specks of glass, which shone under the glare of the fluorescent light.

He turned on the shower, and let the water soak the sand.

Outside, Gin and his scapegoat, Kaname, were looking for him. He was to dress as Tybalt, of the Montague house, for Rome and Juliet.

_Man, _he thought bitterly, _I'll side with Walt Disney over Shakespeare any day of the week._

He shoved his hands into his pockets, and took out his IPod.

He turned it on, and played the song Adios by Slapshock.

Grimmjow's finger lingered on the _'next' _ button, but he's mind began to wander, and he soon began to remember, slowly at first, and then more clearly.

He was sitting on a huge, comfy chair, his legs spread wide apart, like a real king should.

On the floor, two ladies sat cross-legged, staring up at the sky. Their faces held no emotion, as if in made from stone.

Grimmjow turned his head, and the dream vanished, leaving him far perturbed.

"What the hell…?" He muttered, scowling.

His sharp eyes caught something on the tub, and he scooted closer.

There, in the middle of the over-filled tub, a crown, rusted and old, drowned under the sand, and besides it, a letter, signed with the bittersweet scent of oranges, read:

_**Dear Grimmjow,**_

_**I beg your forgiveness, my King, for I am a traitor and I alone. You always saw her,**_

_**Not I,**_

_**And whenever you set your eyes on me,**_

_**Never did it really satisfy me.**_

_**My love**_

_**Or lust,**_

_**For you was far greater than expected.**_

_**It was my lust, my greed, that sold your soul to Hell.**_

_**I am sorry.**_

_**Sincerely, your mistress Delmar.**_

Grimmjow furrowed his brow extremely perplexed.

"For fuck's sake, I'm gonna kill you, Nnoitra!" Grimmjow crashed out the restroom door, and stormed into the Quinta Espada's room, unaware of the mirror reflecting the frame of a crying maid…

WTF? I don't know how the hell I (or why) I wrote this. Tsk, might as well post it.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Espada in town.

Grimmjow, Nnoitra, and Ulquiorra walked along the busy Japanese street. They stared up at skyscrapers, at restaurants, and amusement parks.

"Ne, why are we here again?" Grimmjow said. He yawned lazily.

Ulquiorra looked up at the skyscrapers that pierced through the clouds like a blade pierced through a body, and whispered, "Aizen-sama's orders…"

Nnoitra leered, 'You're quite the lapdog, aren't ya, Quarta?"

Ulquiorra ignored him, and kept walking.

Grimmjow smirked, "Hey…you guys wanna have some _fun?"_

Ulquiorra frowned at the mention of _fun._

Nnoitra, on the other hand, grinned and said, "I'm all in."

They both glanced at Ulquiorra, and smirked. "_**Ohhhhh, Quarta…"**_

_**~ 16 hours of chaos in Karakura Town later~**_

"_Bo-bo-body~ I must be krazy when ya- Bo-bo-body~ ya make me wanna- Bo-bo-body~ Uh-Oh~!" _Grimmjow hollered over the beat of the music, swinging his right arm and bobbing his head up and down.

Nnoitra followed and joined him, jumping and screaming, "_Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! __**UH-OHH! **__My, how you've grown!"_

Grimmjow shouted on the background, "UH-OHH!"

Nnoitra kept on jamming, _"I think I'll call you on the telephone! And tell you all the __**things…that **__I've been mi-ssing!"_

Grimmjow shouted along.

Ulquiorra, having been knocked out and cruelly left alone in the middle of the street outside Ishida's home, woke up to feel the terrible pain of a loud, thunderous throbbing on his ear.

He lifted his head just in time to see his fellow Espada finish singing with a bottle of tequila in hand.

The fragment of the song I typed out is called "Talk Like That, by The Presets." It's really catchy, guys!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Gin Ichimaru's Intellect.

Grimmjow, Nnoitra, and Ulquiorra sat across each other on the small, tidy room.

They wore frowns and were mulling over a popular topic of Hueco Mundo.

Nnoitra snapped, "FUCK IT! We'll never find out if we do nothing about it!"

Ulquiorra scowled, "Unfortunately, I must agree with the barbarian."

Nnoitra glared at the petite man. He mouthed _'fuck you'._

Ulquiorra smirked.

Grimmjow rolled his eyes, and yawned. He stretched out, and sneered, "I say we leave it to luck."

The other Espada stared at him.

Grimmjow grinned, and shoved his hand into his pocket, he pulled out a coin.

"Heads or Tails?" He asked.

Ulquiorra was quick to respond, and said, "Heads."

Nnoitra shrugged, "Tails, I guess."

Grimmjow flipped the coin in the air, and as it was about to land, he grabbed it, and flipped it again.

He peeked inside his cupped hands, and sneer formed on his lips.

He opened his hands… "Heads."

Ulquiorra's eyes twitched slightly, and he stood.

Ulquiorra glanced to the sides, and headed stealthily into Gin Ichimaru's room.

He locked the door as he stepped in, and quickly charged for the wardrobe.

_It must be quick, _He thought, _Ichimaru will be here any minute now…!_

He opened drawers, and quickly searched for the thing everyone in Las Noches wanted…

"…_**Oh, shit."**_ The petite man growled, his eyes wide in shock.

And there, inside one of the drawers, a bottled-up can filled with water contained a small brain.

Ulquiorra's eyes twitched, and he hissed, "If I'd a heart, I would be having a heart-attack by now…!"

He quickly grabbed Ichimaru's intellect, and ran out the room.

He panted as he neared his room.

Just as he was about to burst into the room and claim victory to his fellow, ignorant Espada, he froze.

Gin stood on the doorway.

"_Oh?"_ The silver-haired man smiled coldly. "_My, my, what does Ulqui-chan have in his hands?"_

Ulquiorra gulped.

"…" He whipped around, and was about to run, when he crashed into Nnoitra and Grimmjow who looked like they would shit themselves.

Gin moved towards them…

_And so, that night nobody could sleep due to mysterious screaming coming down Gin Ichimaru's secluded room._


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: What happens in Las Noches, stays in Las Noches.

You guys know, Las Noches is just like Las Vegas. Pretty artificial, bunch of light everywhere, and pretty much a desert on the outside.

Now, when you visit this place, you'll be surprised what goes on in "Lord-Aizen's-Amazingly-Awesome-Kingdom."

First of all, you would expect the place to be pretty lame and boring. But truth be told, Lord Aizen is one sly dog.

He's got Harribel as bartender on the Espada VIP Club. The Tercera Espada is one helluva bartender! She's got Vodka, champagne, beer, wine, and the Las Noches specialty, Tequila. _**Viva Las Noches!**_

Secondly, the Taichou-level Shinigami is pretty good with the ladies, as you might have noticed. He brings in about twenty human woman to keep his precious "children" busy, if ya know what I mean. I mean, come on, ya got to pity those idiots! The only female Espada is Harribel, and she isn't very fond of the opposite sex…

Anyhow, Aizen's also got the Quinta Espada, Nnoitra Jiruga, as the official Dj of Hueco Mundo. The maniac may be a sexist fool, but he's pretty good with his hands…_not in that way!_

Ahem.

Back to the topic at hand, Aizen, been the party animal he secretly is, has Grimmjow Jaegerjacks, and Starrk as the dancers for the party.

Since both Espada aren't very fond of dancing, he gives them special privileges (like sneaking off into the World of The Living, or bugging the Shinigami) in an exchange for their…er, "talents."

Yep.

If you're the perverted, sick-minded pervert, you might have guesses right.

They strip-dance.

And Ohhhhh boy, do they have customers!

Heh, another thing you might be surprised (or shocked into a coma) at is that Ulquiorra, the slender, raven-haired guy, is actually a pretty good singer.

He, along with the background vocals of Nelliel Tu, sing all night to the energetic vibe of the club.

Tight, huh?

Hmm, ah, yes.

Old man Barragan and Szayel Aporro are kind of the stoners in this place.

B_ig time stoners._

But you probably already knew this.

So I'll tell you about Arroniero…hn.

Never mind. It will totally gross you out…I mean, come on, who assigns the bastard as the chef?

Ugh. Bad memories right there.

Poor Yammy had a horrible case of diarrhea last month 'cause of the Novena Espada…

Well, in case you plan to pay the crazy-ass bastards a visit, you might want to bring pepper spray with you, a pair of tonfas, a few drugs, just in case you have to drug someone *cough* Szayel! *cough* and, well, your survival instincts.

So, guys.

What happens in Las Noches, stays in Las Noches.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Easter…?

It was a sunny day, perfect for a picnic with the children.

NOT.

It was a very brooding and cloudy day outside Las Noches, not in the least good for the high-tempered Espada. The moods were shifting, as was the weather.

Easter.

_What a load bullshit_, Grimmjow thought_. I wanna head back and_ _chillax, not have shitty Hallmark moments with these douche bags_!

He burped loudly after taking a gulp of Dr. Pepper.

Ulquiorra looked at him mildly disgusted.

Nnoitra smirked.

"_Children~!" _Someone shouted from behind them, and a cross-dressing Gin stepped out.

He was wearing tight, leather Jeans, a lava-pink V-neck, and his hair was dyed with light shades of blue.

All the Espada stared at him.

Aizen stood aside him, and sighed, "Today, in commemoration of the Easter holidays, we will dress up as what your emotions would most likely be better portrayed." Aizen glanced up at them sternly, and said, "Lack of participation will be held on punishment."

Grimmjow frowned. _Great.__** Just **__great…_

As Aizen dismissed from their little "Family Reunion", Grimmjow quickly went into his room and did not come out for three hours.

Ulquiorra, particularly out of curiosity, sidestepped in front of Grimmjow as he walked out.

"What are you dressing up as?" The stoic man asked.

Grimmjow glanced down at him, and snorted, "Heh, wouldn't _**you **_like to know…?"

Ulquiorra ignored his comment and said, following after the Sexta as he began walking, "what are you dressing as?"

Grimmjow frowned, and after fifteen minutes of insistent asking, he finally snapped, "You really want to know, you emo, green-eyed, fashion-unable freak?"

Ulquiorra, once again ignoring the insult, nodded.

Grimmjow's eyes twitched…and slowly, a smirk formed on his lips.

"Allright. I'll show you." He said.

Grimmjow turned, and walked back to his room, with Ulquiorra hot on his heels. He yanked Ulquiorra inside, and locked the door…

…Happy Easter…


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Trauma, and Unfortunate Souls.

Okay, let's face it guys.

Everyone, yes, including you, has at least _once _been scared shitless of something.

Am I right, or am I right?

All right, so for today (or tonight, if you're the midnighter type) I will list the traumas of our unfortunate Espada.

So lets start at the bottom and make our way up.

The Novena Espada, Arroniero: This guy's pretty weird. Well, for firsts, I don't know whether to call it a guy or chick, so let's just say he's a guy.

As you've noticed, he ain't pretty, unless he has Kain's form. His worst fear, his very own trauma are…mirrors! Yep. This useless piece of crap is afraid of mirrors.

I wonder why…?

Octava Espada, Szayel Aporro, AKA Mad Scientist #2: Ah, the pink-haired freak. The Mad Scientist number 2 is a narcissist, but of course, you already knew that. There's a rumor around Las Noches that he used to stalk the child form of Nel, and collect her buggers, which he then proceeded to make into cream and gel.

Gross much?

Anyhow, he fears imperfections, other mad scientists, death, bees, male butterflies, and spiders….don't ask. Or you will get a Cero to the face.

Septima Espada, Zommari Rureax: The Pumpkin Ballerina That Is Actually A Cyclops With a Bunch Of Eyes Instead Of One is very afraid of numbers. No more info on this guy, he sucks anyway you look at it.

Now, what we've all been waiting for, the better liked, most badass, totally epic Espada!

For start-offs, we have the Sexta, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: Our well-liked blue-haired fellow is quite the hot-head, don't you agree? He disobeys Aizen's orders, sneaks into the world of the living, scares the shit out of Ichigo, rapes Orihime…Oops, did I just say that? _My bad~! _Anyhow, our kitty is scared out of his mind of….

….HAH! I won't tell you! :p I'm kidding. The idiot is scared of bulldogs.

Awwww,but their so cute…!

Anyhow, let's get going.

Quinta Espada, Nnoitra Jiruga: The racist and sexist fool is scared of woman.** Period.**

The cute, stoic, emoish Cuarta Espada, Ulquiorra Cifer: Our friend here is very unemotional when it comes to his facial expressions. But, and I am confiding this on you in hope you won't snitch and get me killed by having a murderous emo hot on my heels, he has _**one **_and only fear…Love. Finding it. Liking it…loving it.

The awesome and righteous Tercera Espada, Tia Harribel: ehh… she's not all that easy to figure it out, but here are some things she _might _be scared of. 1) Aizen. 2) Penises. Yep, getting pregnant. 3) Been a failure.

The Segundo Espada, Barragan Luisenbarn: DEATH.

Primer Espada, Coyote Starrk and Lilynette Gingerback: Incest. I know, I know, but hey, when you're the Solitude attribute among the Espada, even your little minion starts looking pretty…that's what he said.

And finally, the stup- I mean, the Cero Espada, Yammy Llargo: WTF? Let's see…ah, yes! He's terrified of Ulqui turning homo on him. Ppfft…!


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Despair, Nnoitra.

Why is Nnoitra's attribute Despair?

Well…I will tell you his story.

From his human life, and beyond.

Nnoitra Jiruga was 21 when he committed suicide.

He was a single man, living alone for barely two years, when he dismembered himself and died slowly, and alone.

- **10 years earlier**-

The eleven-year old walked slowly back to his home, knowing what awaited him when he got home. He dragged his backpack behind him, his shoulders hunched, his gaze lowered.

He neared the house, and started feeling the cold sensation on his neck.

Nnoitra stepped inside, and headed straight to his room, his heart thumping loudly against his small chest.

"_**Bastard!" **_Something crashed and shattered on the kitchen, and Nnoitra knew they were at it again.

He hovered behind the wall, unsure as to keep moving.

But his feet were frozen in place.

"_Melanie," _a man's voice growled, low enough to be heard, "Melanie, calm down, please. Nnoi is home-"

"_Don't you dare tell me what to do!"_ The black-haired women with brown eyes hissed, "And stop changing the conversation! Jun, you better tell me who that bitch was!"

Nnoitra winced, but scooted closer. His breath was shallow, and he muttered, "**Mummy…?"**

Jun, Nnoitra's father, snarled, "Goddamitt, Melanie! I told you she's my research partner for college!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, I don't believe you!" Melanie screamed. She grabbed the nearest plate, and glared at Jun, before smashing it against the ground.

Little Nnoitra stared at his shoes, his eyes welling with tears.

_I hate it when they fight…_ He thought, _Why are adults so stupid? They're always fighting, always arguing…!_

Nnoitra clenched his fist as the tears hit the floor. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, and ran upstairs, to his room.

He fell asleep as he cried.

The next morning, as Nnoitra woke up, the air felt dry and cool.

_Did they forget to turn off the ventilation…?_ He thought sleepily.

Nnoitra swung his legs over the bed, and made his way downstairs.

The silence screamed.

Nnoitra frowned, and walked into the kitchen, a sudden chill settling on his stomach.

And there, as he stepped into the kitchen, was blood splattered across the floor, and his father's cold body resting.

Nnoitra stared, and in his sudden horror, didn't notice that his mother was standing behind the stove, cooking breakfast and whistling merrily.

"D-dad…?" Nnoitra breathed.

His father didn't flinch.

"DAD!" He screamed, eyes wide and flooded with tears.

"Oh!" His mother turned around, and beamed at him. "Nnoi, dear, breakfast is ready."

She smiled, and showed him the food.

It was then that Nnoitra noticed his father's arms were missing.

He wheeled around, and faced his mother.

Melanie was no longer smiling as she hurried to the window, and peeked outside.

A car was waiting, along with a man.

Melanie faced the terrified boy, and said, "I'll be back, honey-"

"N-no! _**Please don't leave me!" **_He sobbed as he ran to hug his mother's legs.

Melanie hesitated, and said rapidly, "Ok then, hurry up and go pack your stuff. Don't forget your teddy bear, and make it quick!"

Nnoitra nodded, and rushed upstairs.

He grabbed a handful of clothes, and in his frenzy could not find his teddy bear.

Nnoitra cried in frustration, until he finally found Margraves on top his desk.

His breath left in puffs as he ran downstairs, almost tripping with each step.

He went to the kitchen, but Melanie was no longer there.

Nnoitra heard an engine rumble, and he screamed in panic.

"Mummy! Mummy!" He ran towards the door, and just as he got out, he saw the leg of his mother disappearing inside the backseat of the car. The car roared, and sped off, leaving Nnoitra screaming behind them among the cloud of smoke.

**10 years later**

The 21-year old man was found dead three days after his actual dismiss.

Cause: Suicide.

No relatives found.

So now you know.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Too Lazy To Make Up A Title.

Morose, stoic, quiet, proud, stark, and cute, today I will be writing about Mr. Ulquiorra, the Cuarta Espada.

Enjoy.

Outside Las Noches, the grinning moon welcomed every undead to its "morning" glow.

The Arrancar birds shrieked as they flew above the castle, some occasionally stopping by and settling to rest on its' ceiling.

Inside this magnificent structure, an alarmed beeped.

An arm swung around, and hit the alarm, cracking it. The remains of the alarm were sent flying across the wall, towards a former pile of broken-down, smashed-to-bits alarms.

A yawn broke the man's face, and he wrapped the blankets around his waist, exposing his slender, pale, and toned chest.

He opened one eye, and grunted slightly.

Ulquiorra sat up, and yawned.

"Good grief…" He exhaled, heaving off the bed, and walking towards his closet.

He pulled out a pair of sweats, and pulled a white shirt over his head.

He glanced briefly at the mess on the floor, and ignored it.

_The lowly Arrancars can take care of it…_ he thought lazily as he headed outside, towards the kitchen.

He sat down, and grabbed the newspaper, flipping through it.

And so, a new day begins.

"_Eeeeek! It's Ulqui-chan!" _A giggling Gin said, his face hovering over Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra's eye twitched, and suppressed his shivers.

_Man, this guy gets on my bad side…!_ Ulquiorra thought, ignoring the creepy shinigami behind him.

Gin squealed in delight, an evil glint on his eye.

He said rather casually, "Ohhhhh, by the way, Aizen-sama said to cook for us, ya know, since yer like a super good cook, and stuff, ya know…?"

Ulquiorra frowned. "If Aizen-sama deems it so…"

He got up, and started preparing the meals.

Just as he was about to finish, Nnoitra crashed in, and took a plate out of his hand.  
"Yuck! What is this shit? Why are we eating burritos again, man?" Nnoitra said, making a disgusted face. "You should make me cabbage soup, ya know?"

Ulquiorra grabbed the plate from his hand, and took the burrito.

He glared at Nnoitra, and shoved the burrito down his throat.

Nnoitra made gagging noises as Ulqui kept shoving the food in.

Later that day, as everyone was called to eat, Gin walked merrily along the hallway, when he stumbled into a white bag on the floor.

He frowned as he regained his balance, and glanced at the bag warily.

"Hmm?" He picked up the bag, only to realize it was quite heavy.

Suddenly, choking noises came from within, and Gin dropped the bag, startled.

The bag fell over, and the rubber band tying it came undone.

Inside, a teary-eyed, bloody, and bruised Nnoitra gazed up at Gin pleadingly.

"Oh my!" Gin blinked at him, and proceeded to take off the bits of food inside his mouth.

"Have mercy on me…" Nnoitra said.

Gin studied him, "…." He smirked, and placed Nnoitra back in the bag, before closing it.

He slung it behind his back, and ran towards the kitchen, screaming, "_**Ulqui-chan, you shall make hamburgers fer dinner!"**_

And Mum wonders why I don't like hamburgers… Who would? I'll rather eat the burritos…


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Bathroom.

Grimmjow rushed into the bathroom, cursing low under his breath.

He unzipped his pants, and sighed happily as he released all the liquid inside his bladder.

He leaned his head back, and closed his eyes, getting rid of all his fluid waste.

In that exact moment, Ulquiorra walked in, and stood by his right side, already unzipping his pants.

Grimmjow couldn't believe his luck.

_The emo bastard doesn't know just what a mistake he did! _He thought, smirking.

He will tell everyone about Ulquiorra's petite size, that's for sure!

Grimmjow opened an eyelid, and peeked.

_Tsk! _He thought, annoyed, _I can't see…!_

Ulquiorra, sensing his eyes, glanced at him.

"Sexta?"

Grimmjow pretended not to have been looking at him, and yawned, "Hn?"

"…," Ulquiorra shook his head, "nothing."

He turned back, and continued doing his business.

Grimmjow grinned to himself, and looked down at him casually.

Ulquiorra frowned, and turned his back on him.

Grimmjow scowled, and tried to strike conversation, "I heard we're getting elevators…"

Ulquiorra glanced back at him, and shrugged.

Grimmjow pursed his lips.

_Damn…._ He thought.

Then something struck him, and he leered, "Look, a heart!"

Ulquiorra's eyes widened, and he turned towards him, wide exposed, "**Where?"**

It was Grimmjow's turn to be wide-eyed.

He gawked openly at the younger boy, his jaw hitting the floor.

"Y-you…!" He managed.

_I-i can't believe it! He…he's __**bigger **__than me!_

Ulquiorra suddenly looked at him, confused, then startled. "Why are you staring at my…?"

Grimmjow's face flushed different shades of red, and he quickly zipped his pants.

He used Sonido, all escaped, leaving Ulquiorra standing alone, his face betraying his thoughts.

Now, folks. Let's remember this happened in less than five minutes, considering how much time guys take to urinate.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Back To Aizen.

Aizen sat on his throne, pinching his nose and closing his eyes.

He sighed, and muttered, "So much for world domination…"

"_Ohhhhhhhhh, Aizen-taichou!" _Gin's screeching voice squealed.

Aizen flinched, and sighed. "Yes?"

"Harribel-san wishes ta haff a word with ya," Gin said, losing the mask he usually wears among the Espada, "said it was serious."

Aizen frowned, and gave it some thought.

_Probably something about getting new dorms…_ He thought.

"All right. Tell her to come in." He said, shrugging.

Gin nodded, and headed for the door.

He opened it, and Harribel stepped in.

She vowed. "Aizen-sama."

" Yes, my daughter?" He said, smiling coaxingly.

"I have a complain." Harribel stood up, and looked at him. "Nnoitra and Yammy keep bothering my Fraccion and I. I wish for something to be done about that, Father."

Aizen sighed, and nodded. "Yes, of course, my darling…now, if you would be so kind to fetch Ichimaru for me…"

Harribel nodded, and left.

Minutes later Gin poked his head through the door, "Whut's up, ya?"

Aizen told him about the issue, and Gin was quiet for a second.

"…Ok, I'll deal with it." He said, and left.

Aizen smiled, and slumped on his chair.

"Peace," He said.

The minutes ticked by slowly.

"**AAAAAAiiiiiiizzzzzeeeeennnnn-taichou!" **Gin bursted through the door, his uniform stained.

"HELP ME!" He screamed.

Behind him, four furious man rushed towards him.

Aizen paled as he saw Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Ulquiorra, and Yammy.

"W-What did you…?" He mumbled.

Gin squeezed his eyes shut, and moaned, "It was supposed to be as easy as taking candy from a babe!"

"Well, obviously, you've never **tried **taking candy from a baby!" Grimmjow yelled, heading towards him.

Ulquiorra gritted his teeth, and Aizen soon realized he was wearing nothing but boxers.

"Uh, son…" Aizen muttered.

Ulquiorra's eyes twitched.

Smoke twirled around Yammy's head, and he growled, "Bastardo! Hijo de puta! Come here, I will tear out yer eyeballs!"

Nnoitra hissed, "No way! I will!"

Every one glared at each other until Aizen snapped, "Enough!"

They turned to look at Aizen.

Aizen looked at Gin, and raised an eyebrow, "What did you do?"

Gin smiled, and mumbled, "Well, you know you call us a family, right?"

"Yes…?" He said.

Gin pursed his lips, and continued, "Well, a family that stays together may be convicted of incest…"

Aizen stared, and then it dawned on him.

His eyes widened, and growled, his voice bouncing off the walls, "_**You fucked who-?"**_

Meh, random chapter…idunno….ah, que aburrido :p


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Hard-on.

Ulquiorra gulped, not knowing and feeling strangely annoyed at the human woman.

He was trying to force her to eat, when she jumped off her seat and slapped him hard across the face.

He scowled to himself, and snarled, "Woman…"

Orihime glowered at him, and huffed indignantly. "Not hungry," she repeated for the hundredth time.

Finally, Ulquiorra snapped, and grabbed her by the throat.

He pushed her into the bed, and brought the spoon into her mouth, making her swallow the slimy substance said to be mashed potatoes.

Orihime gagged, and struggled against him, kicking and thrashing around the bed.

She started moaning in pain as the spoon was forced deeper into her throat.

Strangely enough, Ulquiorra smirked, and held the spoon tight.

"Swallow it all, woman, and I will leave you. I you do not…"

He let the sentence unfinished.

Orihime glared, and managed to swallow the mushy food.

Ulquiorra's face was the very image of arrogance.

He got off her, and dusted his clothes. "If you excuse-"

He was cut off as Orihime screamed, and tackled him to the ground.

She pinned him down, barely, and pulled at his hair.

"Meanie, meanie, meanie!" She yelled.

Ulquiorra's eye twitched, and he hissed, grabbing at the capricious creature's mane.

They went on like this for awhile, until Ulquiorra gripped the female's wrists, and pinned her against the floor.

The woman thrashed around madly, bumping against him and trying to heave him off.

In her struggle, Orhime's breasts brushed against Ulquiorra's chest, and he blinked.

"Oh?" He mouthed, suddenly dazed at the confusion of that new feeling.

He frowned, and pressed himself hard against her.

Orihime blushed. "H-Hey…?"

Ulquiorra, again, embraced the new feeling.

_Such a strange sensation…,h_e thought rather pleased, closing his eyes, his cheeks slowly burning, _Yet so….sooo…._

Orihime gasped, and a strange moan rippled out her throat.

Ulquiorra couldn't help it anymore, he had to take care of his little problem.

He licked his lips, and got off, hesitating at first.

Orihime's cheeks still flushed, she watched him leave.

Lol, Hahaha, I dunno…hahahaha o


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: The Creepy Song Stalking Me!

Gin glanced nervously to his left, controlling his breathing. He glanced to the right, and hesitated.

Just as he set foot into the hallway, the strange melody drifted into his ears.

"_WAaaah~…! LalalalaLAlalalLAlaLa…~!" _

Gin grimaced and rushed into the nearest room, locking himself up in there.

Only to later realize it was Szayel Apporro's laboratory….

"Shit," He said, and made for the door.

He ran outside, and again the strange, nostalgic melody followed suit.

Gin grunted, and sprinted down the hallway, towards the main hall.

He crashed against a wall.

Stupefied, he struggled to get up.

The song was heard incredibly closer this time, almost as if the music notes would turn the corner, and head to him.

"Eek," He grimaced, and gulped.

Four steady and incredibly slow, bittersweet notes dragged behind him as he ran.

Gin panted, and headed down the white, now plastered with different colors, hallway.

He went into the Tres Cifras Hall, and crashed into none-other than the Privaron Espada, Dordoni Alessandro Del Soloccio.

"HEY! You, shinigami!" Dordoni drawled.

When Gin failed to look back, Dordoni followed.

_Great, _Gin thought bitterly, _Now I'm running away from a Privaron and a random music box…tsk!_

Gin shook his head, and headed down a peach-colored hall, hidden among the complex architecture of Las Noches.

In that hallway, he headed to his room.

As he closed the door behind him, sank down to his knees, and was about to release a sigh of relief, a small, chill creept down his back…

"_Ohhhhhhh~ Ichimaru-kun…" _Slowly, Gin's eyes followed the half-naked figure poised on his bed, holding on to a music box.

The blonde man grinned, and said, "Long time, no see…_**Taichou."**_


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: Telephone.

Aizen sat back on his throne, rubbing his temples in annoyance.

"Can't any one do anything right in this goddamned place…?" He growled.

Gin prompted, suddenly appearing behind him, "Oi, taichou, I'm your right hand man! I'm capable~!"

Aizen sighed, "Yes, Gin, yes…if you're so capable, do me a favor."

Aizen smiled.

Gin nodded.

"Tell Harribel to tell every one that we are having tostadas for lunch today," Aizen said, smiling to himself.

Gin grinned, and nodded.

He skipped away happily, searching for the tanned woman.

Harribel stood by a window, looking out and sighing.

Gin sneaked behind her, and whispered, "Boo-"

"ARGH!" Harribel yelped, almost bumping back against him, but Gin managed to dodge just in time.

The woman growled, and hissed, "Ichimaru! What do you want?"

Gin smiled his foxy smile.

"Aizen-taichou said we are having burritos for lunch today!" And just as quickly as he had appeared, he disappeared!

"That bastard…" Harribel muttered.

Behind a large, dull door, Nnoitra grinned slightly confused.

"We are smoking cigarros for church today?" He mouthed, tilting his head to the side.

Which, of course, was a huge mistake, since the weight of his "spoon hood" dragged him down into the ground.

A passing Ulquiorra stared blankly at him, "Scum," he said, "WHAt are you doing on the floor…?"

Nnoitra looked up, and glared.

"None of your fucken business, Emo Druggie." He smirked.

Ulquiorra stared at him calmly, and lifted his hand towards him, as if offering to help him up.

Nnoitra looked at Ulquiorra surprised.

And then horrified.

"Ahhhhh, shit," He pouted, as a Cero blasted off his face.

Ulquiorra, having the keen eyes of a feline, and the hearing of a one hundred year-old Chihuahua, thought, _So we are jogging incognito on our way to do some research, hm?_

Ulquiorra tapped on Grimmjow's door, "Scum, We are jogging incognito on our way to do some-!"

A door slammed against his face, and closed back.

Ulquiorra glared at the door, and kicked.

He left.

Inside, Grimmjow mumbled, "Three hundred and twenty seven… three hundred and twenty eight…three hundred and twenty niiiiine…"

He panted, and lifted up once again, "THREE FUCKEN HUNDRED AND FLIPPING THIRTY!"

He huffed, and slumped against the ground.

"Oh, so what was it the weirdo wanted? Something about shopping for…what?" Grimmjow got up, and walked towards the Laboratorio Scientifico Hall.

He smashed into the wall, tearing a hole, and yelled, "Szayel! Ulquiorra wants you to buy condons or something!"

(…)

And so, later that afternoon, as all the Espada gathered for lunch, they annoyed and whined and bitched to Aizen why they were having burritos for lunch…and, ahem!, why were Ulquiorra and Orihime missing?


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Band Geeks.

Grimmjow pushed his glasses back, and glared at Aizen, who stood on the podium, clearing his throat nervously and shifting weight from foot to foot.

Finally, Grimmjow snapped, "Stop been a wuss and hands us down our damn instruments already!"

Aizen cringed, "No yelling in the band hall."

He sighed, and started taking row.

"Starrk, Lilynette, please come to the front." He said.

The two Espada walked together towards Aizen, and he handed them both clarinets.

He then called Barragan, whom he gave a tuba.

The old geezer went back to his seat, and bragged about being the "core" of the band.

Harribel was called, and received a trumpet.

Then Ulquiorra, and received a flute.

Nnoitra and Grimmjow got trombones.

Zommari was in charge of ALL the percussion equipment.

Szayel was given a saxophone, and Arroniero an oboe.

Aizen gave Yammy a French horn.

As everyone settled back into their seats, and the Fraccion and other Arrancars joined the section of their preference, Aizen stood back on the podium.

He cleared his throat loudly, and his two drum majors, Gin Ichimaru and Kaname Tosen joined him.

They lifted their hands at the same time, and a girly voice hollered, "Set!"

Instruments were whipped up, held high and proud.

Orihime stood smiling like an idiot behind Aizen.

Aizen spoke, "Take out movement one: Thriller."

Some of the band members smirked, and took out the music.

Aizen gave them the beats, and said, "One, two, three, four, One, TWO!"

The trombones and trumpets blasted through with a catchy rhythm that had Orihime tapping her foot.

The rest of the band clapped out, and then the tuba joined, along with the frecnh horn.

"Cause this is thriller, thriller night! And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike!" The color guard appeared out of nowhere, fluttering their flags and singing.

Aizen smiled, and conducted some more, along with Gin and Kaname who exchanged glances as they noticed him speeding up.

The brass players bopped up and down unconsciously, speeding up along with Aizen.

The Woodwind players swayed from side to side, until the Sax solo came in, and everyone quieted down.

Slowly, a person clapped, and soon the whole band had picked up the rhythm and sang while the percussion had their soli, "I'm gonna thrill ya tonight, ooh, baby! I'm gonna thrill ya tonight, oh, darlin'! THRILLER NIGHT, Oh, baby OOH!"

Aizen went insane, taking off his tie and his hair rebelling into random wisps at different directions. He threw his glasses over his head, and yelled, "EVERYONE!"

Everyone stopped playing, and shouted, "_**The foulest stecnch is in the air, the funk of forty thousand years! And grizzly ghouls from every tomb, Are closing in to seal your doom!"**_

The percussion got rowdy, and banged on their instruments like mad man.

"**And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to shiver, for no mere mortal can resist…..**

…_**THE EVIL OF THE THRILLER!"**_


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: The Zombie Apocalypse.

Ey.

Grimmjow here.

Allright, 2012, the end of the world, blah blah blah.

Well, guess what, mother fuckers?

It's here already.

But it ain't your "Ah, the sky's falling!" kinda Apocalypse. It's more of an "Ah, zombies are falling outta the sky!" thang, ya know?

Anyhow, here are some tips on how to fight the ass smelling fuckers.

First things firsts, guys, if you see a zombie near you, _**please **_don't run.

Unless you're one dumb bastard, don't run. It'll only get'em riled off and ready to go.

Secondly, if you happen to stumble across anything uselful- guns, water guns, condoms, gum, rocks, sticks, WHATEVER- take it. You never know how it'll come in handy.

Thirdly, never turn your back on the brain-eating trash. Zombies DON'T shamble, believe me. They're quite fast. And I'll dare compare their speed to that of our Sonido. Yep, that's right. So if you ignore rule number one, you'll just get screwed at your own game.

Rule number 4-Gosh, I LOATH that number!- Stay away from windows and second floor buildings. Zombies tend to be attracted to both of these.

Tip number 5: If you completely ignored the previous rules, I suggest you pray and bring a few machetes along.

And, the most awesome, most sexiest, cool, smart, and strong number ever, SIXXXXXXXXX: Dude, I don't know why you'd follow this rules. Just blast a friggen Cero, and Fin.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 21: Gin Ichimaru

Ello! ~ It's me, y'alls favorite character, Ichimaru Gin!

Lord Aizen *cough* Gaylord! *cough* spoke to us this afternoon. He wants the following people to keep a diary, or a journal, as I prefer to say.

Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Harribel, and myself.

So, first things first, I wake up this afternoon, since I usually wake up around six, well, anyhow! I wake up, and find Kaname on top of me.

And, let me tell you something, don't you DARE fuck with me, 'cause I'll fuck you twice as bad.

Soooo, yep!

Anyhow, let's just say I, ahem, _**"messed him up bad." **_To put it nicely…

So yeah. Came down to have my wonderful oat-and-raisins cereal, which is the key to having a beautiful face like mine.

Teehee.

So, as I sat there, eating, I hear these…these moans coming from the next door room.

Which just happens to be Ulquiorra's.

"Oi?" I say to myself, a slow grin creeping into my face.

_This should be fun, _I thought.

I got up, and started making my merry way to the boy's room.

More moans, this time stronger, resonated across my ears.

"Ichimaru." A voice murmured close by, which caused me to jump in surprise.

I turned around, and sighed, "Aizen-taichou? I thought you were taking your beauty sleep- I mean, your siesta…."

Aizen considered me for a second, before shaking his head in what I took to be defeat, "Ah, it's not of importance. I just came to get a few aspirins." Just as he finished his last words, he retreated back, and I watched until he disappeared around the corner.

"….better be careful." I said ominously to my own.

Again, I crept away, deciding to leave the mysterious moans for another day.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyhow, so, like, I'm totally hyped, right? 'Cause, like, you know, it's me! So, whatever, I walk and come across my favorite person to bother, Grimmjow Jaegerjacks.

Whoot, right?!

"Urgh!" I hear him say as he wheels to the opposite direction.

_Not so fast! _I thought, smirking.

I use Shunpo, and wrap my arms around the blueberry's waist.

His eye twitches in annoyance.

Man, does THAT turn me on-! Err, I mean…get me happy.

So, yeah.

He elbows me, and I get off, huffing.

"Ma, Grimmy Kitty! Why so mean today? Did Nnoitra break up with you? If so, I'll always be available!" I wink.

He gives me his best WTF?! look, and I grin.

"What the &#^%!# * of the #(u9 !#(8 are you talking about?!" He shouts in my face.

Ew.

I've got spit all over me perrrty visage! Yuck!

"…yare, yare, Sexta. You shouldn't yell on people's faces. It's quite rude." I say quietly, boosting up my reiatsu to about .08% percent.

He, of course, falls to his knees like the scum he really is.

"_**S-sonuva…!" **_He mutters through gritted teeth.

I kneel down close to his face, and open my eyes just an inch.

I say, "Bye**-Bye!"**

And _poof! _he turns into a cat. (Kids, do not try this at home. Especially on your parents.)

"Aw," I coo mockingly, grabbing him in my hands and setting his furry face close to mine, "If you were always on this form, I wouldn't have to be such a bitch with ya."

He growls.

Or something like that. I honestly think it sounds like a purr, though…meh.

I threw Grimmy Kitty out the window, across Las Noches, and into Hueco Mundo.

Confused? Good.


End file.
